Mysterious Mysteries of the Unknown - Episode One

Tony Chu’s Mysterious Mysteries of the Unknown
Episode 1
SWAMP MONSTER, Et All.

The camera surveys a dark Louisiana night where the only things illuminated are those caught in the glow of the moon. There’s a fog in the scene, lurking through dimly lit trees and as the camera pans to the right, it stops to show Tony Chu looking dangerous, but knowing.

“Hello, my name is Tony Chu. Welcome to the Mysterious Mysteries of the Unknown. What you are about to see might frighten you. Tonight we are going to cover how to prepare for and seek out the the Unknown. A number of truths will be revealed. Some are absolute fact and some are absolutely made up on the spot. Regardless, it’s scary and will probably make you pee a little. Be warned. If you wish to join us in this journey, you must not be weak at heart.”

Tony Chu walks with the camera as it pans--he looks dashing as he steps through the heavy fog. He stops and doubles over for a moment as he coughs. He puts a balled up fist to his mouth and continues coughing.

“Maybe we should lay off the fog machine just a little bit…” Tony says as he finally gets over his coughing fit, “Tonight I’m going to take you through a few steps that might just lead to gaining a sighting or even a close encounter with the Swamp Monster. Other wise known as…”

The camera zooms up to Tony’s lips and features his pearly whites as he says…

“Bigfoot.”

As the audience undoubtedly gasps and hugs their significant others slash children slash teddy bears, images are shown of Bigfoot. You know the ones--the Patterson-Gimlin footage, the Manitoba footage, and of course, the Siberia footage. Interlaced amongst this footage is the occasional snippet from the movie “Harry and the Hendersons” to up the realism.

Finally it becomes clear that things are about to get so frightening that the viewer might leap right past peeing and go straight to pooping.



GETTING READY TO FIND BIGFOOT

Again we see Tony Chu and this time he’s mysteriously walking towards the camera. There’s a little less fog, but he still looks so intense that you could swear he’s entering your soul.

“The first step in finding Bigfoot is deciding whether or not you have the guts to find Bigfoot. This depends on whether or not the thought of Bigfoot makes your testicles crawl up inside you. Don’t worry, we’re going prepare you for what’s to come. First and foremost, you’ll need patience. Patience is key. There’s a higher likelihood that you’ll see another Bigfoot hunter or a guy in a monkey costume before you’ll actually see a real Bigfoot. It’s going to get very frustrating too, especially if some other asshole Bigfoot hunter is blowing up your spot. Especially if that Bigfoot hunter infuriatingly refers to the Bigfoot as a ‘Squatch.”

The angle shifts and once again Tony has to change direction to walk towards the camera. So mysterious.

“It’s probably not a bad idea to have a background in biology. I mean, if you can’t tell the difference between Bigfoot poop and your own poop, you might be bringing home proof of your bad diet instead of proof that Bigfoot took a dump in your general vicinity.”

Again the angle and this time Tony groans as he’s forced to change course again.

“Physical fitness is also a must. Fat guys aren’t going to be able to chase down a Bigfoot and even worse, if a Bigfoot is bearing down on you, you’d better not have a stomach full of cheetos or you’re going to end up being a cheese filled smokey for some hungry Hairy Man. Studies indicate that most of the Sasquatch community are pretentious vegetarians, but you never know. Some of them may have the taste for man!” he pauses, “That didn’t sound right.”

The angle changes again and now the camera is quite a ways away from Tony, it forces him to walk faster to get to the camera. He’s starting to breathe heavy.

“Oh my god. I know having me walk towards the camera gives me that “knowledgeable” appeal, but this is getting a little ridiculous!” Tony stops to catch his breath as the camera zooms in on him. He continues, “Finally and most important,” he breathes, “You must be able to take decent pictures and or video. So many pictures of Sasquatch are blurry and crappy. I mean, if you’re going to go to these lengths to find Sasquatch, you might as well take a picture of it that can’t be mistaken for Jackie Onassis and or Elizabeth Taylor. Sound fair?”

The angle changes again and this time it’s fifty or sixty yards away from Tony.

“I give up.”

TECHNIQUES FOR DISCOVERING BIGFOOT
SEEING THE SIGNS

Now the camera is following Tony Chu and he is joined, to his left, by Strick. The two are making their way through the pitch black woods. The clarity given by the moon has been traded in for the green glow of night vision. Strick is much more stealthy in his approach as he makes his way through the foliage, while Tony seems content on making more noise than a bulldozer displacing indigenous peoples.

They finally make their way to a clearing where a stack of trees can be seen.

“This is a good sign of a Sasquatch. Stacked trees. You see, Sasquatch are known for OCD behaviors. They like to destroy things and subsequently stack them neatly. Rumor has it that this was reported by lumberjacks before cameras and news and I’m probably making this up. The fact remains that the Sasquatch love stacking.” Tony says in a hushed tone.

Obsessive compulsive disorder isn’t really a joke, but it seems to be used in a funny way here. Cut us some slack.

“Psst,” Strick insists, “These trees were cut by chainsaws and stacked. This is a small clear cut, you bonehead.”

“Bah, it’s Sasquatch. They have thumbs and could arguably run a chainsaw. Imagine that!” Tony turns a worried gaze towards the camera, “Chainsaw Bigfoot!”

Ten minutes later the two are approaching a small pile of droppings. It looks suspiciously like dog poop, but Tony refuses to be denied. He gets close and quickly turns his head to gag a little bit.

“This is obviously Sasquatch scat. You can tell by the markings.”

Strick shakes his head, “That’s dog poop, friend.”

“No! No! No! That’s obvious Sasquatch poop. Why would a dog poop this far out in the woods?”

“Alright then,” Strick chuckles, “Only way we can be sure is if you taste it.”

“What?!” Tony’s eyes grow wide and glow green in the night vision.

“Yeah, it’s a damn fact. Bigfoot scat tastes like asparagus. Everything else, well, shit, I spose.”

“Oh, yes. Of course!” Tony says, “This is the best way to check if it is indeed Sasquatch poop. Perhaps Strick would like to show the audience?”

Strick scoffs, “Nah, you’re the expert, pal. Go right ahead.”

Tony whimpers a little bit as he leans in closer to the poop. He gags loudly as he begins to extend his tongue. He moans, “I don’t wanna” and it’s nearly unintelligible due to his tongue hanging out.

“Wanna find a fuckin’ Squatch, you better.” Strick urges.

Tony snaps out of it long enough to say, “Don’t call them Squatch. Known fact that those fuckers hate being called Squatch.”

Truth: Call them Squatch and die a thousand deaths.

“Well? You gonna lick that shit, or what?”

The night vision catches Tony’s face as he extends his tongue. He concentrates really hard as he draws ever so closer to the poop. Tony’s little pink tongue is mere millimeters from the poop as Strick lets out a snort.

“Oh you damn fool, that’s dog poop.” Strick laughs.

Tony stops and breathes out a heavy sigh, “I’m going to believe you.”

TECHNIQUES FOR DISCOVERING BIGFOOT
BAITING & PROVOCATION

Now the cameras focus on Tony Chu and he’s suspended by a rope over a pile of salad mixes. He’s kicking his feet and he’s gagged and the camera shifts to show Strick Plissken standing off to the side. He’s illuminated in green thanks to the night vision and he’s wearing camouflage paint on his face. He’s smoking a cigarette.

He exhales, “Now, smoking isn’t the best way to bait a Sasquatch, I’m sure. Where I come from, smoking a cigarette at night only serves as a beacon for snipers to take aim at. Luckily for me, that’s just not the case, tonight. At least, I swept the area and the only mammals within a quarter mile? Well, you’re lookin’ at ‘em.”

Strick nods his chin towards Tony Chu who is still wrestling against the ropes which bind his hands and legs. He’s chomping at the gag too, doesn’t seem to happy.

“Yeah, he’s pretty hot, but the idea here is that Bigfoot, Swamp Monster, Sasquatch, or Dipshit, whatever your preferred nomenclature for this beast is, likes vegetables. Tony also serves as bait simply because I got sick and damn tired of him carrying on and duped him into the idea. Now that the trap is set, we’re going to hope that ole Squatchy likes himself some caesar salad, alright?”

Strick kneels down and nearly disappears in the brush. Tony just struggles against the ropes.

Thirty minutes later…

Now Tony is just swinging back and forth and seems to have accepted his fate. Strick is still lying in wait, but it seems he’s grown bored, as he’s whittling. The camera focuses on what he’s whittling and it appears to be a cross. He realizes that the camera is all up in his business so he smiles as he tosses the cross into the brush.

“As you can see, our salad hasn’t drawn much interest. Neither has Tony. Tony’s ok with this whole ‘hanging thing’ it seems, though, which is an improvement.”

An hour later…

Now Tony’s hanging sadly and letting out little sobs.

“I don’t think there’s a Bigfoot out here, buddy,” Strick laughs, lighting up another smoke.

Tony’s trying to say something, over and over again, so Strick finally comes out of hiding and approaches him. Strick pulls the gag out of his mouth.

“Provocation,” Tony says, “And water. Precious water.”

Ten minutes later…

Tony’s sitting next to the tree where he was hanging. He’s shivering despite the fact that it’s a solid 90 degrees with the humidity and he’s chugging water like he’s been lost in the desert for the past week.

Tony commands, “Provocation, Strick!”

“Oh yeah,” Strick chuckles, “Before we leave, Tony wants me to show you provocation. The idea is to provocate Bigfoot into showing his or herself. Basically, anger it. Now, I don’t think this is the best idea, considering I’m unarmed, so if I do get a response, I’m runnin’ like I’m Usain Fucken Bolt.”

Strick walks back towards the clearing and takes a tug off his cigarette. He lets out a chuckle and proceeds to whip out his johnson.

“Alright BigFoot, whatever you’re calling yourself… This is my territory now!”

Strick pisses. We’re not talking about your average little quick stop and go piss, we’re talking a “Strick must have put away a case of beer in the last two hours” kind of piss. He drenches the ground in front of him as he still manages to smoke the cigarette between his lips.

As he speaks, the ash falls off his cigarette, “You’re ugly and your mama dresses you funny. Did I mention that? Fuckin’ punk. Hiding out back here like a got-damn shut in. Probably because you smell like shit and look like it too.”

Yep and he’s still pissing.

“Nah, I tell you what, how about you come on out here, splish splash in my piss, then you’ll smell like a real man. How’s that for you?”

Strick finally puts his junk away and turns to Tony.

“Ain’t nothing out here, Tony. Nothing at all.”

With that said, a rock zips right at Strick and pegs him in the shoulder. Another follows it which sends Strick rushing out of the clearing. Tony shoots up and his eyes grow wide.

“Strick?? What’s that smell? It smells awful.”

Another rock crashes off the tree right over Tony’s head.

“Strick?? What’s going on?”

Strick runs past Tony, full sprint. As he goes, he shouts over his shoulder, “I think your provocation shit might’a worked!”

“Don’t leave me here!” Tony says before chasing after Strick.

“Keep up then, Dummy!” Strick calls out as he goes.

CONCLUSIONS

The camera catches up with Strick and Tony at a bar. Strick’s chuckling as he sips his drink-whiskey neat.

“I can’t believe you ran. You’re supposed to be a brave soldier guy.” Tony sighs.

“Something throws a rock at me in the woods and I don’t run? That’s just plain stupid, pal.” Strick continues.

Tony turns to the camera, “There’s something out there. It stinks, poops turds that taste like asparagus, and it doesn’t like caesar salad. It’s dangerous and it lusts for violence. It’s going to find us and, man, I hope it’s actually a guy in a suit. For Tony Chu, this has been Mysterious Mysteries of the Unknown. Thank you, good night, and good luck.”

THE END???